December 16th, 2005

Current Music: Stone Roses Subject: the Fours Time: 03:42 pm Current Mood: groggy

4's FOUR JOBS YOU'VE HAD IN YOUR LIFE 1) Hair designer 2) Colorist 3) Aveda make up artist 4) Salon Coordinator FOUR MOVIES YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER 1. Anchorman 2. Beetlejuice 3. House of 1000 Corpses 4. Reality Bites FOUR PLACES YOU'VE LIVED 1. Littleton 2. Denver 3. Purchase, NY 4. Lakeville, MA FOUR TV SHOWS YOU LOVE TO WATCH 1. Nip/Tuck 2. Medium 3. The OC 4. Blow Out FOUR PLACES YOU'VE BEEN ON VACATION 1. Los Angeles 2. San Diego 3. Seattle 4. Florida Keys FOUR WEBSITES YOU VISIT DAILY 1. Yahoo 2. LiveJournal 3. MySpace 4. Aveda FOUR OF YOUR FAVORITE FOODS 1. sushi 2. edamame 3. miso soup 4. salmon FOUR PLACES YOU'D RATHER BE RIGHT NOW 1. Amsterdam 2. Paris 3. Italy 4. Wealthy

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Subject: from Vixana! Time: 03:40 pm

Your 1920's Name is: Socorro Georgette What's Your 1920's Name?

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November 19th, 2005

Subject: not in this broken world Time: 02:39 pm

OKAY...I am moving back to Denver--AGAIN. I guess this only makes sense. I really hate New England. If the people weren't bad enough on their own, I have this co-worker who puts me in a vile mood just thinking of her. I want to chop her head off. She is Adam's friend Tom Smith's fiancee...and she is evil and she hates Adam and takes it out on me. She onlt hates Adam becuase Adam is justified in not liking her. From day 1 when I met this girl, just about a year ago when I moved here, I thought, "WOW! This girl is a real wretched bitch!" But then she and Tom got engaged and she wasn't so bad. I kept trying with her. But last weekend she flew so off the handle that it ricocheted through me and through the office. She is so horrible. I can't even give specific examples except that she is just plain mean! I almost left my job just because I can't stand being around her. I had a migraine on Tuesday and Wednesday which prevented me from going to Jazz class which is terrible, but it was unrelenting. My period has also been off (I finally got it today) which stressed me out beyond belief on top of the already existing migraine, then of course there is the TMJ which pains me after every meal. I can't do anything without my jaw hurting. Now reading this entry, I feel absolutely ridiculous. I NEVER used to be like this. I drink excessively by myself, I have like 2 friends and no motivation in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. And that is why I am leaving in January. I still love Adam and we will do everything to make it work, but no more East Coast. I want to thrive here, but I just can't. SO I am going home to Denver and I am going to take fabulous college classes which will catapult me into a fabulous degree and an even more fabulous career. I don't know where I am going to work. I am not sure if I want to use my cosmetology lisence anymore. If anyone knows of anyplace that will be hiring flexibly beginning mid-January/February, let me know!!

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September 11th, 2005

Subject: in memory? Time: 01:57 pm Current Mood: uncomfortable

It is wierd that it is Sept. 11th...because it doesn't feel sad to me. Maybe I am an asshole. Today makes me think of where I was 4 years ago when everything went to shit. God, if I had gone to college like I should have, I should technically be graduated, or almost by now. Instead I am just finally taking school seriously and going back. Then I moved to New York for the next 9/11...and I worked at the Neuberger museum of art and we had some memorial celebration. I am sure I also drank excessive amounts of alcohol. The year after that I lived with Scooter at the house in 5 Points and I managed Toni & Guy and drank excessive amounts of alchol, was a rumored cocaine addicted rock n roll alcoholic. Last year, I finished beauty school, worked at Visual Dimensions, almost started my life......then chose to start all over again and move to Massachusetts where I still sit today, much to my disbelief and I am still trying to figute it all out. And I miss Scooter. I started my newest job adventure last week..South Coast Dermatology (for selfish reasons, I am obviously working there.....free skin? OKAY!) My friend Heather Schweda (engaged to Adam's friend Tom Smith) works there, got me the job. Friday after work Heather and I went out for a drink. See, the office in Weymouth/Quincy, a good hour from my house in Lakeville, so I didn't feel like going home, then going back to the city to hang out. So, Heather and I had a quick beer and a taco in Quincy. Went to her apartment around 6:30 ish and started to partake in the free cocaine her friend's fiancee had given her. I did coke from about 6:00 PM to about 3:00 AM........We went into Cambridge and went dancing and had a great time. And actually I didn't feel too bad yesterday. Last night however I felt like shit, passed out....and today I feel very strange. I will probably take my dog for a walk soon because I should get some fresh air. My cousin's wife just had a baby, Abigail Tomida Hurd (Mika, my cousin Jayson's wife is Japanese), and I got to meet her yesterday. It was nice. Then I had a dream last night I lived in a 3 family giant house in Denver. I lived there with Scooter and I was pregnant again with his baby. SCARY. Glad that is not in fact reality. Lately, though, I think of him......A LOT....I guess it's just this time of year has always been great and the past 2 years, I have spent a lot of time with him in the fall. It's definitely my time. Fall.......yuck....I feel wierd. Stupid me, and stupid cocaine.

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August 31st, 2005

Current Music: Tom Waits in my head Subject: less than love Time: 08:28 pm Current Mood: aggravated

OKAY. So I have decided that my big-girl goal of going back to school is definitely the greatest decision. SO To top it off, I have made the biggest big girl goal to graduate from the New School's Parson's School of Design......alumni=Marc Jacobs...okay, duh. I just watched Basquiat which is oddly inspiring. Also.....while I was singing (very poorly) to Adam (Hallelujah, Jeff Buckly style)he looked at me with a puss face and said "I'm not amused tonight." He now sits in front of fucking ESPN watching the fucking Red Sox game. May I also add that in an argument about a month or so ago he mentioned, "I didn't want you to move out here in the first place, but I didn't want you to think I was trying to get away from you." WHAT THE FUCK? SO.....I have spent the past fucking YEAR here compromising and rearranging MY LIFE because of him. NOW my big idea to go to Parson's has been acknowledged by "WHAT? There are no design schools in Massachusetts?" I WANT A DEGREE FROM PARSONS YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!!!!! Parsons = PARIS, FRANCE....Parsons = MARC JACOBS internship.....PARSONS=New fucking YORK CITY!!!!!!! WHERE REAL COOL FRIENDS RESIDE!

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August 27th, 2005

Current Music: Black Heart Procession Subject: music Time: 05:19 pm Current Mood: thoughtful

OKAY........SO Black Rebel Motorcycle Club is fucking AMAZING.............I just spent $85.00 at Newbury Comics...yeah............ *NEW* Black Rebel Motorcycle Club "HOWL" *used* Black Heart Procession "amore del tropico" *NEW* Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds "Best Of" *NEW* The Sights "The Sights" *NEW* Death From Above "You're A Woman, I'm a Machine" *NEW* SIN CITY DVD Okay.......to complete my soundtrack I need a new pair of Diesel jeans, Frye boots and long dark brown hair........Jack Daniels.... I have...short dark brown hair, Jack Daniels, OLD diesel jeans and London Undergroun boots......it's just not the same My last day at DIMENSIONS design & wellness studio is next Saturday.....I was thoroughly pissed when I drove past a McDonalds today to learn that McDonald's Managers make $50,000.00 a year! I am a LISENCED PROFESSIONAL and make $12.00/hour NO TIPS, NO COMMISSION FUCK THAT! I am 98% certain I got a job at a Dermatologist office in Weymouth and I am definitely going to Quincy College next semester....So far only taking Intro to Computer Science and History of Jazz...I kind of want to through French I in the mix.....Then I am going to design school and in collaboration with my dearest friend Ashley Z we will design clothing and I will surround myself only with musicians, artists and writers. Then I will write a novel........many novels......Oh to have a closet full of exceptional denim and boots and a well-tattooed body....... PS I miss Denver and sitting on my porch, smoking cigarettes and listening to music

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August 20th, 2005

Subject: fall Time: 08:39 pm

Fall is definitely my favorite time of year, and while I am not in a hurry to be done with summer, I look forward very much to September/October. Had sushi and drinks in Boston last night. Not bad, kind of wierd. I may have a new job opportunity working at a dermatologist/cosmetic esthetician office in Weymoth which would rock my socks because I HATE Carver. I am also going back to school, very part time at Quincy College which will be great because I will be in an urban area instead of a rural area between Quincy/Weymoth. I am excited. I think I will take a computer class and a music class..or an English class. I want to take 3 classes (9 credits) but my mom says I have to take only 2 because I am too enthusiastic and I never follow through.....sadly she's right. I colored my hair chocolate brown which looks way better than the rusty nasty blonde thing I was trying to do. I also didn't carded last night which hasn't happened in a long time. I went to Manhattan on Friday with the salon (all 5 girls, lame), we left at like 4AM and returned to Mass at like 9PM.....it made me realize how bad my life at work is and how I do not connect with these people. So I am prompted and motivated to do everything I can to get out of this place. The girls spent the WHOLE DAY IN CHINATOWN AND TIMES SQUARE!! I love NY, but that is SO NOT MY NY.....I wanted them to leave me alone so I could go to at least SoHo/St. Marks....it was so depressing. And I looked like shit, and it rained. No more DIMENSIONS.....yuck. Adam and I might go to this Reggae thing tonight in Cambridge...I think it will be cool. We rarely go out. I have gouchos that I want to wear and I think Reggae-mon will appreciate them.

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May 14th, 2005

Current Music: one of those awesome 80s hits Subject: MAI TAI Time: 01:28 pm Current Mood: drained

What an exciting cocktail the mai tai is! It is so full of summer happiness, too! We had sushi/thai/malasian food at our favorite restaraunt last night, and though mai tais would compliment the dinner nicely! They certainly did. I only had 2, because you all know how I get. Then we went to this stupid bar called Castaways,had to pay $10 to get in to see THE WORST cover band EVER. The musician's were talented, but the lead singer sounded like Grover (from sesame street) on steroids. It was AWFUL and miserable. Then Adam and I went home and had really great sex. I felt like we were first dating or something. It was so great! He has been the best boyfriend lately, knock on wood. He is special in my heart.

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May 11th, 2005

Current Music: chirping birds Subject: Wednesday Time: 08:26 am Current Mood: bitchy

My boss returns from Florida today. I will be at her beck and call. I kind of want to squirt her in the eyes with hairspray. This is why I hate my job: WE ARE NOT ALLOWED TO ACCEPT TIPS! Yeah.........and NO COMMISSION..........and I get payed $10/hour and I will be working and traveling for work for the next 13 days! At least Social Distortion is playing next week. At least today in Wednesday. I am going to MILK the time clock for all its worth. Fucking assholes.

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May 10th, 2005

Current Music: shitty corporate radio Subject: work Time: 03:26 pm Current Mood: indifferent

I am having visions of falling down stairs again. I used to have them because I was so fearful of failing. Now I just wish terrible things would happen to me so that I have a great excuse to quit my job.

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May 9th, 2005

Subject: Lemuria Time: 10:29 am

Today is the first day of the Lemuria, a Roman festival of the dead; this festival was probably borrowed from the Etruscans and is one possible ancestor of our modern Halloween. Typical journal entry, I hate my life. No really, here is why. I am practically married, therefore I do not have any stories, and I haven't gone out on a weekend or weekday to do anything fun. I work in the small town of Carver in which I watch everybody do hair, while stifling my creativity. I am not in school. I do not live in a city. My friends are everywhere else. I missed the Reverend Horton Heat last Thursday night because I am an idiot and did not buy my tickets in advance. I have to work 7 days this week and next week, in a row, no breaks. Hopefully this will account for another raise. Things I am doing to hate my life less: Painting class starts tonight, I think. Yoga on Tuesdays nights is great. I am trying to make my life better at work through this month to incorporate a surge of new clients come June, thus I will be able to afford possibly 2 college classes beggining in fall of this year. I am becoming quite the gardener; I should be out planting right now, but I was out digging holes yesterday,and now my body hurts. Plus the weather kind of sucks

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May 1st, 2005

Subject: all that you can leave behind Time: 05:01 pm Current Mood: bored

Well, Stephanie and I broke up. Funny. Through much frustration and dislike, she finally wrote to me about how much she hates me, but still wants to be my friend? I am not sure what she was trying to get across. I basically said, "I don't want to be your friend anymore." Just like any break up, I suppose. I think she must be relieved. Now she can take over my old life in Denver and continue to single white female me. Meanwhile, I have painted my fingernails orange and my hands look like they have been destroyed by a garbage disposal.

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Current Music: PIXIES Subject: women who run with the wolves Time: 12:49 pm Current Mood: aggravated

Among wolves, the cycles of nature and fate are met with grace and wit and the endurance to stay tight with one's mate and to live long and as well as can be. But in order for humans to live and give loyalty in this most fit manner, in this way which is most wise, most preserving, and most feeling, one has to go up against the very thing one fears most. There is no way around it, as we shall see. One must sleep with Lady Death. In a relationship she has the role of the oracle who knows when it is time for cycles to begin and end. As such, she is the wildish aspect of relationship, the one of whom men are most terrified...and sometimes women also, for when faith in teh transformative has been lost, the natural cycles of increase and attrition are feared as well. To create endruing love, Skeleton Woman must be admitted to the relationship and be embraced by both lovers.

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April 28th, 2005

Current Music: AC/DC.....in my head Subject: do something Time: 09:48 am Current Mood: anxious

I just received a call from an Aveda salon in Fairhaven offering me a job. Now, while I am currently employed, I think it is a good sign that the universe is offering me abundance. I got really excited when I first answered the phone because a gay man named Joseph was on the other end. We do not have gay people in Carver, MA. Well, lesbians, yes, gay men, few. Work is turning out to be really good. I am not busy at all, about 10% booked which is pretty lame, but I am being offered a position as an Aveda Educator which is GREAT! It is going to be a grueling six months of workshops, education and meetings. I hope it will be gruelling anyway. I can't stand monotony. I like a regular schedule, like I like a plain cheeseburger, but sometimes I like to have it with lettuce, tomato and onion. I need some garnish in my schedule. My painting class starts again next month, hopefully. I think I am going to see ADULT at the Middle East on Saturday night. Again with the garnish. I miss a life full of garnish and little else! I am hoping to be a part of New York Fashion Week, Spring 2006.

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April 26th, 2005

Subject: i am funny Time: 11:55 am

Another excited spurt to write in my LJ. I don't know why. I had the strangest dream last night..my dear old buddy Alaska and I were parading through Boston. I had to save her, which is funny, because I think I have come to her rescue a few times in the past.......anyway......We were hiding from these men, some of them wore masks and looked like the living dead....some of them were just creepy. We had to crawl underground through tunnels and hide out in old dilapidated buildings. Sometimes we jumped on a subway train and sped away. In the end, she and I were both pushing baby carriages, sort of undercover. Wierd. I have to go to work at 2 o'clock....I don't like going in late, because all I do all day is think about how I have to go to work after already enjoying some of this beautiful day. I can't wait to upgrade my lifestyle...my job...cutting hair in the city...I just purchased 2 new pairs of eyeglasses. One is Bebe, olive green funky frames, and the other is Ana Sui...black/mahogany with rhinestones...Anna SUi with rhinestones, who the fuck am I??? They are awesome. Went to Cambridge last week and saw Mary Timony, solo, cd release. It was amazing. I am so happy I went. Bought her new album, EX HEX, which I really like, but because of nostalgia, I suppose, I like The Golden Dove better. MT makes me miss NY badly. I might have to take a jaunt over there before my friends are done with school. I could use some action and inspiration. All this talk about marriage/weddings/homes...growing up are freaking me out a bit. Off to cut and color some hair.........

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January 24th, 2005

Subject: forgiveness Time: 12:11 pm Current Mood: good

One of my bedside novels is Sylvia Brown's "Blessings From the Other Side," which deals which addresses the other side teaching lessons to enable healthy, happy, and joyous living in this life. Last night's chapter read about forgiveness. As I approah the one year anniversary of my abortion, ending an abusive relationship with Scooter, and beginning a healing relationship with myself and with Adam, I am thinking about forgiveness. I am angry at myself for allowing such negative, abusive manipulation into my life, and of course I am angry at Scooter. I cannot place blame or full responsibility on him, nor myself, nor my parents, but I am equally mad at all of us. My parents should have been parental when I asked to move in with him. They should have, for once in my life, been restricting parents, making a deal with me that they would pay for school and whatever else, if I stayed at home and finished beauty school and started working. I should have thought about such a deal in March of 2003 when I had the insane idea to date him. I should have listened to Stephanie, shoulda, woulda, coulda. I understand that the decisions I have made all happened for a reason. The life I have lived has caught up to me, and I choose to look back, analyze and accept my mistakes. My mistakes, after all, have shown me what I do not want in life, and have thus brought Adam and I together. My mistakes show my true self. Forgiveness is a process, not a single act, and lasting forgiveness should not come until the process is underway. I am very angry with Scooter, still, probably because I am still angry with myself. I feel that part of this process is allowing myself to feel angry. I feel somewhat angry at my parents, too for allowing me every freedom when I was too young to really appreciate it. However, I blame my parents, but forgive them because everyday is a learning experience since I have addressed mistakes. I would never apologize to Scooter for anything, because I am too quick to take responsibility and apologize for my actions. A simple "I'm sorry" does not even begin to heal the wounds of an abusive relationship. I know that Scooter is facing jail time because he has been driving while under the influence of alcohol a few too many times. I am grateful that Scooter is going to jail. It makes me very happy, in fact that someone is going to force him to look at himself and confine him. I also know that in hopes of preventing jail time, Scooter is in AA. He hates it, he regrets it, but he has to do it, and he still does not take it seriously. Which makes me think that nothing he does or has ever done is sincere, but that he only ever does something for his own benefit. I understand him, and I guess in many ways I forgive him because of that understanding. But I am still angry. The ultimate goal of forgiving is peace of mind, our own peace of mind, not someone else's. Petty peace of mind right now is that Scooter never have peace of mind with me. I want him to hurt and hurt, and continue to be unhappy because it still infects me. He killed a piece of me and took it with him and I want it back. I want the "piece" of mind. In about 1 more month, February 28th, it will be full circle. A full year of healing, and the abortion can go down in history as my life changing experience. "I will never again let my spirit be paralyzed and imprisoned by resentment. I will be as quick and compassionate to forgive as I wish to be forgiven. What I cannot forgive I will release into Goddess's hands and move on, because it is my divine right to grow and be free."

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January 23rd, 2005

Current Music: Miles Davis Subject: how blizzard Time: 01:30 pm Current Mood: content

Top best night of my life. Listening to Miles Davis, Adam creating a pizza, me creating a salad, Marie baking cookies. Miles the cat jazzing out in the dining room and the puppy curled up on the kitchen floor as we consume bottles and bottles of Pinot. Ahhhhh.....All the while the snow falls hard, leaving a 2 foot blanket in a winter wonderland that forces us to stay home and do....nothing. Today is too windy. Blizzard winds at 60 MPH, no thanks. Even the animals want to stay inside. Wishing I had a bright brilliant thought, some sort of prose to express, but simply, it's snowing!

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January 22nd, 2005

Current Music: Belly (still) Time: 11:20 am Current Mood: drained

Hmmmm, I feel like some very large person was standing on top of me all night long. My head is killing me, my jaw is a constant source of pain, and I feel a cold coming on. Today begins the snowstorm of a thousand inches. So far it is a whopping 15 degress outside. I have prepared by making organic maple nut oatmeal with organic, sugar-free soy milk. Sugar is truly the devil. I am going to make a conscious effort to be 90% organic this year. At least all the grocery shopping will be organic, and then going out to dinner is like a treat. These New Englanders are wierd. Marie makes really good food, but it's so much pasta and sausage, or red meat and I just can't do it. I am grateful for any food that she prepares me, but I hate froot loops, and pringles, or chips ahoy. Thank god we don't buy soda. We saw "SIDEWAYS" last night. It was quite good, I was really impressed. One of the themes was wine, so I was really into the film. I want to know more about wine. I learned a lot about wine tasting and different grapes from the film. It had been nominated for quite a few Golden Globes, but I didn't watch them. All I know is that Leo was best actor. What a joke. I have no desire to see The Aviator. Come on Scorsesee, get a life. AH, the life of a housewife....just kidding. I do need to go clean a bit.

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January 21st, 2005

Current Music: Belly Subject: entering aquarius Time: 06:31 pm Current Mood: optimistic

Also today, the Celtic Tree month of Rowan begins. We actually entered Aquarius on Wednesday, and we are a few days away from the next full moon, or Cold Moon. I am drinking red wine. I am always drinking red wine. I should probably not drink so much red wine. But Adam is at the bar they go to on Fridays and I am home with the animals. I had my second interview at the salon today with the girls. Everybody seems really nice, and I think I am going to like working there. I am hired, but Linda is going to send me a formal letter of acceptance, which I think is really great. The letter will explain pay rates, benefits, etc. I will start on Tuesday, February 1st. I think it's quite appropriate. I can't wait to have a schedule again. Tuesday through Saturday 9-7-ish. I think it will be really good for me to get up at the same time everyday. Which, I get up anywhere between 8 and 9 now, but now I will get up with Adam and Marie, about 6:00-6:30, walk the dog, feed the dog, eat, get ready, go to work, feel, do yoga after work, feel great, go home, spend time with the loved ones, sleep and do it all over again. Then on Sundays we can do nice family oriented things. I am really looking forward to New York next weekend! Party for Adrian on Friday, then Kirsten Hersh in the city on Saturday! I cannot wait. I love that woman so much and have loved her for so many years, and finally I get to see her! Next month brings my beloved Social Distortion. Thank god winter is only 2 more months, therefore bringing the good shows. It's supposed to snow like hell tomorrow evening. Like 16 inches they're saying, which means it will probably snow like 2 inches and it will just be really cold. I bought a book of crossword puzzles and a fiction novel called The Book of Shadows" by James Reece....I discovered the book next to the Anne Rice section at Barnes and Noble. The book is about a witch, obviously. Speaking of which, witch, I watched the premier of Point Pleasant! It is awesome! Actually, its not awesome like the OC is awesome, but it is awesome in a battle of good and evil, plus a little OC except in New Jersey. So, yeah. I'm hooked. Ah, Friday night, sure to be uneventful as ever.......oh well

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Subject: leaving town Time: 01:37 am

Why is it, that when you leave your hometown, your hometown gives you reasons to come back? I mean really.. why does this have to be hard??? I could go home, I would have a chair at Visual Dimensions, I could sell sex toys with Stephy and make a shit load of money. Not to mention I have the Goddesses and my full moon group and my coven in Denver, not to mention my family. Fuckers. I am starting to believe that I may actually belong there. Dammit! I am going to stay here, though, for at least the year, if not longer.... but god dammit! I called Denver tonight and everyone is busy. My body clock has not adjusted yet, and I think hey, it's Thursday, better go out! Can't go out. I chose to stay in this bitter New England wanting nothing more than to cast spells and cause magick. My witchiness is so alive out here and I am like, too cold. I took the dog on quite a hike today, so she is passed out and Adam drank a bottle of port, so he is done with. I had to take my sex when I could today. Like, quite a quikkey, but I wanted it, and if I had waited until tonight, he would have passed out drunk. Do I have a pattern going here? AH, time to call Natalie and get my messy head straightend out.....

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